I’ve seen 61 movies from 2012 as of this writing. That is, I believe, a record for me. And now I will inflict upon you my recounting of them. As usual, this will be from the bottom up and I’ll break it into 3 pieces for easier digestion. If the title is underlined, click it for a full review. If it has a star at the end it means I saw it in theaters.
61. Underworld: Awakening. F.
This is a new war and it’s only beginning.
I think it’s about time to stop this whole thing. We’re now jumping years ahead and making ever more ridiculous creatures. It’s a werewolf but bigger! Scary!
60. The Raid: Redemption. F.
Pulling a trigger is like ordering a takeout.
I shouldn’t fall asleep during a movie which is almost entirely action and yet I did. A complete lack of character and story make this 90 minute movie feel like a slog.
59. Resident Evil: Retribution. D.
How do you think Umbrella populates these test scenarios? Hundreds of people dead each time they run a simulation. Umbrella imprints them with basic memories, just enough to ensure a correct emotional response to the threat of the bio-hazard. In one life, she could be a suburban housewife. The next, a businesswoman in New York. The next, a soldier working for Umbrella.
Another movie with pretty much only action but at least this one has the generosity to make up crazy stuff. Zombie dragons? Sure, why not. I’ll still watch the next one.
58. The Devil Inside. D.
You’ll burn.
One of those yearly possession movies. Entirely ho hum. At least it makes you read a little.
57. Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance. D+.
You will tell me or I will eat your stinking soul!
Four out of my bottom five movies have a colon in the title. There must be something there. This is better than the previous movie in the series because of Idris Elba. This doesn’t mean very much.
56. The Campaign. D+. *
Remember the politician that punched a baby? Well, he’s at it again. He just punched Uggie, the dog from the Academy Award-winning film The Artist.
One fantastic scene (The Lord’s Prayer) cannot save this. Zach Galifianakis keeps on trying, for which I salute him.
55. Chernobyl Diaries. D+.
Have you heard of extreme tourism?
A scary movie devoid of scares except for one (the bear). It does have a good sense of place, though.
54. Journey 2: The Mysterious Island. C-.
Pop your pecs.
The Rock is charismatic as hell. He’s always fun to watch. And there are some fun ideas here. It mostly doesn’t hold together, though.
53. Cosmopolis. C-.
Where is your office? What do you do exactly? You know things, I think this is what you do. I think you acquire information and turn it into something awful.
Besides The Raid: Redemption, this is probably going to be the biggest controversy here. I really didn’t get anything from this movie. There’s a lot of stuff going on but it means nothing to me. It’s almost a void of a movie.
52. Safe House. C.
You practice anything a long time, you get good at it. You tell a hundred lies a day, is sounds like the truth. Everyone betrays everyone.
“No one is safe, no one is house.” Doug Benson.
51. Friends with Kids. C.
I know that she is honest; she won’t even take the little shampoo bottles from the hotel room, or sneak into the movie theater for a double feature. She always buys a second ticket. Always.
It’s nice to see Adam Scott in a leading role. The movie is kinda dumb, though. It has one great scene at a dinner table that hints at what the movie could have been. It isn’t.
49. Wrath of the Titans. C+. *
You want me to say it, brother? You want me to say I’m afraid? Doesn’t that go without saying? When mortals die, their souls go somewhere – there’s no place where gods go when they die! There’s nothing, just oblivion.
This is the first movie on this list that I can say I had a good time with. Use it as a line of demarcation between good and bad. Or not bad and bad. It’s a CGI fest that works at being spectacular.
48. Lockout. C+.
That’ll freeze the nerves in this spot for 24 hours. You want some in your mouth?
SPACE JAIL! Guy Pearce does a pretty darn good Kurt Russell in this spiritual successor to Escape from New York. And that Irish guy is pretty cool.
47. Snow White and the Huntsman. B-.
I was ruined by a king like you once. I replaced his queen. An old woman. And in time I too would have been replaced. Men use women. They ruin us and when they are finished with us they toss us to the dogs like scraps.
An amalgam of fairy tale tropes and more obvious homages plus a great villainous performance from Charlize Theron and an insane one from Sam Spruell as her brother.
46. The Dark Knight Rises. B-. *
There’s a storm coming, Mr. Wayne. You and your friends better batten down the hatches, because when it hits, you’re all gonna wonder how you ever thought you could live so large and leave so little for the rest of us.
at the halfway point when I did my mid-year list. How the mighty have fallen. Let’s all hope that Christopher Nolan moves on to something that actually interests him again because it felt like all of his passion left between The Dark Knight and this. He’s on a bit of a skid now and since I have one of his movies in my top 100 (The Prestige), I hope he can pull himself out of it. At least Bane and Catwoman are fun.
45. The Hunger Games. B-. *
My mother said, ‘It looks like District 12 may finally have a winner.’ But she wasn’t talking about me. She was talking about you.
A book adaptation that fails by being too faithful to the source material. It needed some actual adaptation instead of just copying all the dialogue from the book and filming it with a shaky cam. And they ruined the wolf things at the end. I have high hopes for the next film, though, because of a new director and some more room to wiggle.
44. Beasts of the Southern Wild. B-.
Everybody loses the thing that made them. It’s even how it’s supposed to be in nature. The brave men stay and watch it happen, they don’t run.
Boy, this one totally should have worked for me. I love magical realism and pseudo-fairy tale movies (see the high placement of Magnolia and Where the Wild Things Are on my top 100 for proof). It really didn’t though. Looks great and some nice performances from non-actors but they can’t pull this one together.
43. Premium Rush. B-.
I like to ride. Fixed gear. No brakes. Can’t stop. Don’t want to, either.
Dumb fun. Michael Shannon is pretty fun being evil. Too much non-action, though.
42. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. B-.
Men have enslaved each other since they invented gods to forgive them for doing it.
This is way better than I expected it to be. There’s a fight on top of a stampede of horses. And the slavery/vampire fodder thing is kinda clever. It does what it needs to do.
41. Killer Joe. B-.
You insult me again, and I’ll cut your face off and wear it over my own.
Bleak as hell and also kinda funny. Matthew McConaughey is fantastic. The last scene is hilarious and brutal at the same time. Weird. Watch Bug instead.
Come back tomorrow for the next 20 movies on my list. Have anything to say about these films? Leave me a comment and we’ll have a talk.
Benefits of a Classical Education 